I Think God Can Explain

the final entry

2004-11-28T13:58:58Z

there comes a time in someone's life when he just has to grow out of the old. it's some strange fate that really never is inevitable, and maybe it's my time to do so myself.

i received the most painful, most confusing, most devastating news today. and maybe this is my way of dealing with it. this would be my last entry. it has been great looking back at the half a year that was, but things are getting more and more complicated, more and more isolated. this is my way of moving on.

jboys: bros!! pag gumaling na talaga ankle ko, we shall have basketball every weekend. i miss playing. it's the best thing that i can ever do to vent any emotion, not to mention to lose weight, and gain some mad skillz. itutuloy ko, when the time comes, to have a xmas party with you guys na "prom" ang theme. maybe by then, the curse we boys have would've been lifted from us... or ako lang talaga malas satin. chef.

pmhs: see you guys in school :)

csa: you guys will see me more often, count on it. :)

buddy: your LJ is defintely mushy. text text tayo, let's have lunch. :)

lil sis: we will run into each other time and again.

tel: thanks for introducing me sa LJ. il pray for you dude. ingat!!!

ch: go prince william. hehehe :)

samara: dont give me the pink baller band na. it's ok. il see you when ba? xmas na? hehehe! take care cuz!

maiz: school!!!!!!!!!!! hehehe. :) when are you coming back ba? il see you nalang then. i hope you havent "changed". *kneels down in teardom* haha

thats about it. Godbless all of you!!!!!!

"you'll get by with a smile."

yahoo

2004-11-27T10:37:04Z

adventure week in our org was a blast! through the fire, i mean... hassle, i was able to enjoy it. i relived my high school days. revived my german blood? hahaha and was able to become the coolest villain with a sword. :)

talent's night was the greatest experience ever.. 'nuff said.

"i am everything you want, i am everything you need..."

the bitter side of ruari

2004-11-23T12:58:47Z

im wondrin why you have to let me see
all the longing ive been wanting, through your eyes
only to be broken
being forgotten

im wondrin why you'd lead me to think
that you hold in your hands everything i want
but they are empty
they can't catch me

if this is all you ever are
don't try filling the gap in me

don't spin me around
trying to make me believe in you
that what i need, and what i want is you, in you
you were never there
you were never there

im wondrin why i keep on thinking
that there is a deeper side in things
im wondrin why i keep believing your heart is not hollow
but im full of sorrow

dont spin me around
trying to make me believe in you
that what i need, and what i want is you, in you
you were never there
you were never there

my life is not a show
and maybe... you should leave me alone

dont look back in anger

2004-11-16T14:00:20Z

after N years, my life seems to be peaceful. nothing much to worry about, only those normal things in life, like school, um... school... and...... yun. hehehe

im quite happy. this happens to be one of those days i just decide to step back and see the big picture. and for once, in quite awhile, my life makes sense. things used to be very hard, and i wouldnt wanna mention here those thoughts thatd rush into my head at night when i turn off the lights and let the music play. thousands of thoughts, dozens and dozens of feelings... all in one night. sometimes it was very exhausting. but now, things are looking up. and i couldnt be happier.

i saw my friend kanina in AS. and its weird, i think for the first time she smiled, like she was so glad to see me. it felt nice. appreciation. hehe. hey you! thanx for that small talk! you are not fat i swear. u look nice. take care of that knee ok? wouldnt wanna be limping by 40 now do we? hahaha.

anyway, more work to do. bring it on. im ready. :)

sunday mourn

2004-11-14T09:01:32Z

so much for spontaneous combustion. i apologize. i shouldn't be acting like an immature asswipe. i gotta have a little faith, and just hope for the best.

anyway, on to lighter, shallower things...

OMG billups is injured! so is okafor!!! pano na team ko? good thing i still have a lead in babblegang else id be creamed by now. why oh why do my players have to be injured??? not that other teams are so lucky either. wade's injured (not a surprise coz he was mine last year and he spent more time on DTD/IL than giving me some big games), so is tmac.

i knew stackhouse, and gill were gonna put up some decent numbers! should have gotten them while i had the chance. stupid me i didnt know mashburn was out for the season. just like last year i didnt know gill was out for the season. what an updated fan i am. hahaha

on DREAMS

i had the weirdest dream last night. before i went to bed, i was talking to a friend who i haven't seen in awhile. she said she's becoming fat. i didnt wanna believe that she's becoming THAT fat coz wala lang. sometimes people tend to exagerrate when describing oneself right? so anyway, i went to bed... and poof. i dreamt she was fat nga. we were playing ball in V5 then hayun. big tub of lard. hahaha (sorry!!!!!! i dont have control over my dreams you know!)

anyway, the point is... dreams are more often than not dictated by the things that we think when were awake. no wonder i keep on dreaming of the same thing over and over again. wala lang. i used to think that dreams are God's way of communicating with us. pretty weird, but that was that. now i realized it's nothing more than continuation of consciousness. am i making sense? i hope so...

-----------------------

i gotta be cool. i gotta chill. and most of all, i have to trust and have a little more faith in people. i know it. i know it so damn well. its just that im tired of losing everything. im tired of life emptying my pockets. im tired of falling down. im tired of forcing myself to get up and start over. for once, i want something to stay. i want something permanent for a change. something i know will be there everytime i look for it. something lasting. something that would make me happy.

"this is the price i have to pay..."

chef talaga.

2004-11-11T13:31:04Z

there are so many things im wishing for, but mostly, i just wanna be there for her right now. she's so stressed out, im hella worried. and im so scared she'll decide to quit the fight. if that happens, id die.

slave auction. why, oh why, do i have to be a slave? chef.

que sera sera.

"you don't know how lovely you are..."

falling in

2004-11-10T12:55:12Z

it's the third straight day. im starting to worry what might be up. chef. maybe it's fate telling me to stop forcing things, and just sit back. i wish i could, but i cant. sometimes i fear i could see what others dont, and it scares me to death.

the caduceus cup was a success. and i could say i was really a part of that. after weeks of stressing, and working, things paid off narin kahit papano. but of course, God had to humor me and had to make me cram this excel scoresheet. i almost lost my PE coz of that one! GR. owel. all is good naman.

for those who can relate: cwebb rocks! but man i want AK47 right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i watched city of angels. my sister brought a dvd over. i realized how beautiful it really is. last time i watched it i was like 14? yeah. i was able to relate a little... on how much seth (nicolas cage) wanted maggie (meg ryan), and how much he was willing to give up for her. MAN. the ultimate love story.

"... will you stay, until i fall asleep?"

chef.

maybe its just where we are

2004-11-09T08:39:28Z

today was supposed to be a very harsh day for me. but that kind of changed just a few minutes ago. it's so hard to be writing entries when you know people can judge you for them, but we can't really avoid that.

sometimes its hard to understand why people act the way they do. and its even a sadder(?) scene if you get affected by them. it's just that some people tend to be so important in your life that whatever they are, whatever they do, has this impact on you. it's like their moods, or the way they deal with you would reflect your disposition for the day. you wish it wasn't so, but unfortunately, you've become so attached that you can't help but be helpless, at the mercy of that someone.

i was kind of depressed the entire day, only to find out that maybe nothing is wrong. maybe i am just being paranoid again. maybe, im just being shallow again. it's a weird weird day for me right now.

anyway, school started. and i got to my feet and started at the right foot with biology 12. hopefully, things would only get better. my bio class is the best i swear. :)

i, the mushroom

2004-11-08T10:52:56Z

i dont know whats wrong with this day, but i just am not feeling it right now. maybe its the way i did things, coz i usually dont acquaint myself in doing such things for other people, and for some causes that in fact is really not my concern. today, i...
1 - deviced a plan so that i could trifle with my folks.
2 - allowed myself to be used, twice. ask me why i did it... my conscience would have bothered me.
3 - worried hysterically over ~~something~~ that, which i know wouldn't worry about me, and wouldn't care.
4 - worked like a horse.
5 - made my brand new shoes suffer in muddy terrain. (how do i know itd rain so hard?!)

its quite silly though how hours of apathy and disappointment can be made to vanish with just a few smiles... at you of course.

tomorrow is the start of school. God help me....

the day

2004-11-06T14:54:40Z

ok, im slipping. it's like im on top of an iceberg, and no matter how i steady myself... i keep on slippin' down. im falling.

I SWEAR, that videoke king is the bomb pare. if he rules england, i rule monaco. a bigger kindom, but both kings never the less. beatles will rule the music scene forever. hahaha. crappy analogy.

the bazaar in VV5 was nice. i got to buy a cool cap. :) of course, there's alotta chicks, but who cares! hahahaha. thats a first.

i got my shoes na! just plain perfect. yellow. nike. im a happy man. :)

"...just dont expect to get your bloody black backpack back."

edit (11/7): my new shoes ü

HEADLINE OF THE WORLD: BUSH WINS

2004-11-04T09:01:31Z

any day spent with people you like hanging around with will always be good, despite the situation you're in.

registration was such an ease today. luckily, i got everything i wanted in CRS. i am a lucky bastard. hahaha. was supposed to go and meet up with the boys but things kinda got prematured i guess, so next time nalang. there will be a day when i will finally get to meet the girl who brought down the "firm-assed" jboy. hehehe!

fragrance. one of my innermost weaknesses. i break down with fragrance. chef. amazing scent.
hay.

school. malapit na! im freakin' out. ive got the best people who can help me, one of the best skeds, but it's all up to me. i gotta do good this sem. time to show my acads why i got into UP in the first place. banat na to!! God help me.

if i were in a pool of happiness, id describe the water to be between my lips and nose. overwhelming.

"yeah you light up my life."

the years that were

2004-11-02T06:06:55Z

i chatted with a friend whose having some problems with long distance relationships. it's kinda sad how things turned out for her, and i couldnt help but try to imagine what it would be like. ive never experienced something like that before.. ive never been away. but i do know what it feels like to have something between you and the one you love. it's not really the greatest feeling in the world. its like you have something heavy on your chest. chillax lang angel(a) hehe. you'll get by. live the fantasy.

today was "reminisce on the things that made you happy when you were young" day. and i missed the way things were. when you're young, everything seems to be so simple. everything seems to be fun, and happy. it's like no matter what happens, you always find happiness in anything. whether its during the floods.. and you excitedly watch as the water rise so you can make a paper boat. or during a brownout.. where you and some of the other kids go out on the street and play all afternoon. nothing to worry about.. that even the hours in school were happy moments embedded in the memory. i felt like flying... and nothing, absolutely nothing, could have destroyed a day.

and as i grew older, the more that innocence was taken away from me. the more life seemed to be more serious. the more i felt like the world isnt as simple as i thought. but we have to deal with it anyway. after all, there is time for everything. and i guess it was just my time to grow up.

anyway, as friends tests are getting in season again, i saved mine last time.. try answering it. :)

edit: here nalang..... http://ruari8.friendtest.com

on Nov.1 onwards

2004-11-01T10:47:08Z

i read in the newspaper this interview with a person who works in a cemetary. he said, "honestly, im more afraid of the living, rather than the dead. i think that death is peaceful... just like how things normally are in the cemetary." hm. pwede.

anyway, enrollment's coming up. and hopefully, things would be less bloody. after that is a potential swimming party. the start of classes. and a debut. the break has been a real good one, well, in my standards it has been. :) i do hope things would remain the same, if not better. ayokong mahiwalay. im inching my way na eh, and i hope God doesn't take that away from me, no matter how difficult things would become.

so much for an entry. i feel sleepy.

"must be an angel cause i feel so good..."

i almost lost it

2004-10-30T10:42:56Z

playing basketball while wearing walking shorts is definitely a BIG no-no. it felt so uncomfortable. hahaha owel. such a dumbass for not asking one of the boys to bring extra shorts for me. i couldnt bring anything since i just escaped my dad's watchful eye. what can i do... i like to play. sucks lang i couldnt really PLAY with the whole ankle thing on my mind. i was close on breaking it again, i felt it. hay. gotta develop a jumper.

boys will be boys. i held on to dear life when the pajero was racing with the puny grandia. hahahaha. but it was fun. and you'd think the van wasnt match for the pajero. think again. nascar driver ata si mang rick! hahahaha. rock on pare.

bj's HUGE HUGE HUGE place, was as messy as usual.. i swear if i see my family day shirt, my CAT shirt, or any WWJD or baller bands there, il get it. hahaha. klepto na to!!! but i was shocked when he was selling me this amazing nike shoes for only P3500. BRAND NEW. LIGHT. most of all, YELLOW. man that's mine!!!!!!! my plan is to negotiate it with my parents. but if that fails, il get some moolah from my account nalang. havent taken anything from it since 2nd yr hs. hopefully, 3-5 wont hurt. hehe. man love those shoes.

after basket, a trip to mcdo tandang sora, and some more pathetic slamdunk competitions in live2005, we decided to call it quits. headed to katips and planned to hang in jp's place. but was too tired.. so i went home and played some mike tyson's punch-out and megaman3. yeah!!! old school!!!

school is approaching REAL fast. somehow, im scaring myself with the idea of how busy it would be. hope i dont get to break down naman. God will provide. :)

"it keeps getting stranger by the day..."

jboys strolling along

(jp, paolo, bj, mendi (covered), polo, dj. missing: me & fem)

dope

2004-10-28T05:40:41Z

so what is freakin' wrong with this day???

nothing naman. i woke up pretty late... mga 1030 i think. and i just realized that there was quite nothing to do. everyone in the house was running up and down kanina, and i felt kinda out of place for some reason. arguments here and there, a zillion phone calls, it was like an office. so i just stayed in my room til the noise died down. the bed, some music, and my cell are all i need to last. :)

bdw, before i forget. alot of pmhs peeps are becoming LJ-ers. well it's nice. at least the network is getting a little bigger everyday. it's kinda scary din. so many people knowing what ur life is like.. time to get freaky! you guys are fags. hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hope t would stop raining so i can play. i wanna play ball. i wanna do the floater for once. i wanna DUNK! hahaha. i wish. owel. so much for a useless LJ entry.

i HOPE i get to go out this saturday. play some ball. watch a movie. times are hard, but man i need to go out. i dont like being a homeboy anymore. it's sad. chef.

"your promises..... your promises...... they're all played out."

i am the musicman

2004-10-27T06:44:28Z

for the record:

chem 26.1 - 2.75

chem26 - 2.0

bio11 - 2.5

as2 - 1.5

kom1 - ewan

philo11 - ewan

not so bad... but i could have done better though. but well, grades aren't everything. and i was actually taught not to be pressured by them. studying should be, to some extent, fun. if i feel im loosing EVERYTHING coz of it, then i should try to slow down. doesn't mean id like higher grades though. just gotta work things out. owel.

i just realized how my taste in music is slowly expanding. before, id stick to alternative PERIOD. now, i can ride michelle branch, nelly, and all those other somewhat main-stream artists. truly, people are never satisfied where they are. but it's not that i hate this is happening anyway. it's fine. i do have to enjoy everything life has to offer... even baduy mainstream corny songs (hope not). hahaha!

hay, it's raining again. good thing i already played a little ball. it's just kind of sad sometimes. add that to the fact that there's no one at home but me. moping here i come!

"now i know why they say the best things are free..."

jboys in mang jimmy's

ras, chuck, jp, polo, ruari

dodging it for a day

2004-10-25T16:27:42Z

ok, i realized that maybe im getting swayed by the current too much again, and i decided to give it a break. at least for today. it's so freakin' hard, but man... patience. everything will fall into place naman if its for me talaga. right?

anyway, i was in tarlac today for this family thing. weird thing was, i wasn't really there to witness anything. i was hiding away in a room, together with my two cute cousins, and the computer. tried to finish need for speed underground in a single day. i was able to do around 50 races. man im good at car games. hahahaha

it's sad lang though. i saw my sister cry.. haven't seen that in the longest time can i just say. she's a strong woman kasi. but well, it's just that i realized that no matter how we try to be strong or anything.. we're still human. we do have limits. and in some point, we tend to give up. FAITH. no matter how weak we are, it's all about faith anyway. owel. so much for being preachy.

i gotta go to UP for some reason. i wanna continue gyming. i wanna be "ok" at basketball again. i want alot of things right now.

"the world seems bigger than both of us, yet seems so small when i begin to cry."

distorted sight

2004-10-24T05:40:33Z

"good God!"

ok, now i know why things didn't go the way i wanted to before. i don't know why, but maybe God wanted to save me from what it might have become if He allowed me to continue on with my "madness". but im glad everything's good now. it took me two cousins to realize that i really was insane. that i might had infact hit rockbottom... but i wouldn't wanna be that harsh. after all, it WAS quite a ride. owel. life.

being lazy makes me think alot. and couldn't really help but think of what my life has become ever since that faithful day i became aware the opposite sex existed, and i realized that they have become worthy of my attention (hahahaha feeling!). at any rate, ive had my share of pains, and joys as well. i can only hope that things wouldn't be as horrible, and that things would be as great. God truly knows who i am, and i do believe He's got my back on this one. there's nothing more to do than hold on to dear life.

today is no different from all other lazy days. gain a lil more fat cells, lose a lil more brain cells. but im enjoying the break anyway. it's a nice feeling to be taking it easy... without anything really to bother you, to ruin your day, or anything to that extent.

THANK GOD for my friends. :)

wasting away

2004-10-23T12:04:02Z

FIRST OF ALL, i have an announcement. my car, whose name is champion, will no longer be called by that name. thanks to my amazing friends, and nicholas cage's gone in 60 seconds, her name is now christine. :)

anyway, today was one of the slowest days ive ever encountered in my life. i woke up to my mom telling me, "-secret nickname-, sama ka samin ng papa mo." and since i didnt have a choice in the matter, i just prepared myself for a hella boring day. good thing i was with my cellphone, who serenaded (?) me with my fave songs of today, and my book... the alchemist, which ive read twice na. but anyway, the whole afternoon in an aircon room was a good consolation. :)

the alchemist made me think of alot of things, since alot has happened since i last read it.. and it is the ONLY book i don't associate with anyone, but myself lang. the most striking lesson for me this time is that love doesn't have to have specific reasons for it to exist. wala lang.

looking for a nice steady song? i strongly recomend "either way" by guster. the bomb pare.

"if i just breathe..."

the day that was

2004-10-20T16:25:42Z

it's been awhile since ive gone through a day, so let me do it now.

woke up at around 9, got straight up coz i committed myself in helping out in this thing we're doing in our org in school. got some stuf that might help and headed there as fast as i can, in fear that there were too many people that being late would make a scene... since the call time was 8.

i went, and not much people were there naman. i got into fixing this huge huge couch, and planning stuff for the windows, etc. got a lil tired, and found out that my most amazing ateneo tshirt has a hole on the sleeves. GR. owel.

around 2 i wanted to head home to sleep, but chuck called and told me to hang out.. so cool. :) after disappointing slam dunk competitions in live2005, a semi-boring anime, and some other stuff, we decide to eat in mc...wok..... mang jimmy's. hehehe

was supposed to go out after, but plans got kinda screwed up so i wounded here lang sa house. when i lied down, i realized how tired i was. TERRIFIC.

thoughts:

when you try to be a good friend, and you don't get anything in return... should you just drop it?

being yourself is cool. but no one's perfect... so you change for the better, for the person.

mang jimmy's will only be visited once a month. else, you'll die of cardiac arrest. hahaha

champion needs a girl's name... NOT babes. corny. mas corny pa yun sa charlene. carla sucks. maybe... cindy? give me a unique, astig girl's name that starts with a C.

persistence? or just plain makulit?

"mr. jones strikes up a conversation..."

i want blank CDs!

2004-10-18T09:01:08Z

for future reference:

ALT/ROCK ALBUM

dashboard confessional - vindicated
dashboard confessional - hands down
3 doors down - away from the sun
athenaeum - unnoticed
bamboo - mr. clay
chevelle - dont fake this
chevelle - send the pain below
coheed and cambria - a favor house atlantic
fuel - shimmer
gavin degraw - i dont wanna be
hoobastank - out of control
hoobastank - unaffected
michelle branch - breathe
neve - it's over now
reef - all i want
sandwich - butterfly carnival
sensefield - save yourself
switchfoot - i dare you to move
taking back sunday - lost and found
thursday - a hole in the world

SENTI/SLOW ALBUM

lifehouse - everything
lifehouse - take me away (acoustic)
damien rice - cannonball
sarah mclachlan - fallen
dishwalla - counting blue cars (acoustic)
dakota moon - a promise i make
toto - lea
avril lavigne - im with you
bamboo - masaya
chevelle - one lonely visitor
coldplay - the scientist
usher - confession ii
usher - burn
fra lippo lippi - light and shade
goo goo dolls - sympathy
hanson - penny and me
lene marlin - where im headin'
mr big - to be with you
rem - losing my religion
rivermaya - himala
nelly - my place

guys. comment. add or delete songs... basta wag masyado mainstream, unless astig naman talaga. :)

the REAL godfather and the prince

2004-10-17T09:48:55Z

when someone comes to the point that he's giving everything he's got, and yet the wall is not breaking down... maybe it is time to give it a rest, and try another day. it's like you cant do anything more, and you should be satisfied with the fact that you've given it your all, that you didn't hold back, but the wall is still there.. standing infront of you, like it has never felt you trying to bring it down. what a lousy analogy... chef.

what does it mean to wait? is it a good thing to do? isn't waiting something that lazy men do? they wait for things to drop on their lap, expecting that life will treat them a lil better? given the shithole that im in, am i entitled to wait instead? when will i know it's time? what will happen when it's time? what exactly would it be time for? a few more questions to add to the millions that ive got.

anyway, time will take its course. and of course things wouldn't always go the way i want them to go.. but hey, that's life. i can't blame myself for anything that would happen. i can honestly say i did everything i can this time. maybe it isnt just for me. maybe i dont deserve it, or it doesn't deserve me. there's alot of uncertainties... this what makes life what it is.

for now... for now... i wait. God have mercy on my bleeding heart.

equations of today

2004-10-15T07:16:37Z

crowd + DG watching + faulty ankle + big big enemies + 2 months no basketball = DISASTER

pressure from bro + DG beside me + traffic + aching body = TIRED

homophobia = not going to klownz = missed time with DG = SIGH

DISASTER + TIRED + SIGH= SUCKY DAY.

il be anticipating

2004-10-12T07:46:33Z

ok, so i wasnt able to hold it in.. i gave in. what am i supposed to do anyway? im only a man. but its not like things totally crumbled, it was good actually. at least some things became a lil clearer, and things that happened were given reasons... reasons that were enough for me to tell myself to stay.

and now, it's just time to wait... MAN. politics suck. how long would it take kaya? chef.

"...what's the problem baby?"

63.5% chem student

2004-10-05T12:28:23Z

badtrip! di ako na-exempt sa chem. roar. it sucks lang. i dont know if im loosing grip on my so-called study habits, or UP's just busting my chops. at any rate, there is really a very distinct line between the pisci/ateneo Aboys/gracians and me. its kinda frustrating, coz i really set my mind to at least being at par with them, but to no avail. i need fair competition.

dearth told me that its ok. since im from a regular section in admu, being in UP means that i am something naman. and some of the pisci peeps explained that they already took some lessons up when they were in HS, so it's really gonna be a little easier for them. well, they're right... but man. MAN. hay. so much for being grade conscious.

chem. bio. philo. after that, it's done. 2 more weeks wawi.